To Blame or Not to Blame

Photo by Engin_Akyurt on Pixabay

Young, pretty and independent woman she was. I accidentally bumped into her when I was getting my nails done, while visiting with my parents in my native Ukrainian village.

She was my classmate, whom I hadn’t seen for a number of years. Her name was Ali. She was still living in the same village in the same house where she was born with her dad and her 10-year old son. She divorced her husband and lived as a single mom for a few years already.

It was nice for us to briefly catch up, but since she was working at that salon, we couldn’t have a lengthy conversation. Of course, we talked about relationships. Women are always interested, however, in relationships and boyfriend matters.

She said, “When he needed me he was nice to me…But out of the blue, he just left me refusing to take any responsibility even for his son” Ali wasn’t willing to disclose her soul in front of me. So, she didn’t go any further. And I wasn’t willing to probe into her personal matters, which were still raw. However, I could sense a little bit of bitterness in her voice.

I felt a little sorry for her as a woman. Being a single mom isn’t easy. She deserves happiness and love, as every woman does. She was in her blossoming years, and yet she was alone.

Even though, she wasn’t the victim type woman, Ali, made some wrong assumptions about men in general based on her unfortunate love experience. Being a victim has many faces and shapes, but it is always hurtful for the person who plays the role of a victim.

It is so much easier to blame someone else in our problems, then rise up from ashes and take responsibility for our own life. I am not saying, her husband wasn’t guilty at why they broke up, but blaming him for not taking responsibility isn’t going to improve Ali’s life.

Blame is a negative emotion that spreads negative vibes and carries attachment to the previous situation.

I wanted to say to Ali with my very best intentions that if she wished to improve her love life she needed to let go of the previous relationship, forgive and take responsibility. Now, taking responsibility doesn’t mean being a doormat or blaming yourself. It simply means proclaiming to yourself, “I am in charge of my life and my happiness. No matter how bad the situation might be, I can change it!”

But that incident made me think. The majority of women blame men in their relationship problems. First of all, it deprives them of their personal power to change anything. Second, any argument has two sides and it is absolutely impossible for one side to be 100% right and the other side to be 100% wrong. And third, no matter how detestable any situation might be, we have created it at one level or another, for the most part, at subconscious level.

I am absolutely convinced women don’t have relationship problems, they have self-worth problems. When you think about it, a woman who strongly believes in her worthiness will not tolerate bad treatment towards her. She will not let any man disrespect, dishonour or abuse her. And she will never descend to the level of a victim.

It doesn’t mean, women with high self-esteem never get hurt; they just don’t blame men for their heartache.

I was hurt and abused in my previous relationships many times, but they all taught me vital lessons on responsibility, self-respect and self-worth. You see, many times, I ignored many red flags with men I was with. My “crazy love’ was clouding my judgement and I naively believed love will conquer all the challenges.

I had to learn the hard way that if there is no respect, care or appreciation, there is no love. If it hurts, it is not love.

I realised, blaming circumstances or people will never get me anywhere in life. When you blame someone or something, you give give you power away. What is the point in that?

Change always begins with us.

Have you ever heard those women say, I will be happy when I get married, or i will be happy when he loves me more, or I will be happy when he improves his attitude, etc? The list goes on… The problem is, if your happiness is conditional, you will never be content. Moreover, if your happiness depends on the other person or a particular circumstance, you will never be fulfilled…

You are in a total control of your life and happiness. If you are not satisfied in your relationships, change them, if you can’t change — leave. When you leave, don’t look back. And don’t blame anybody! Not only blame doesn’t change anything, it sucks your energy.

Always come from the place of self-worth. Realise, you are whole enough and complete unconditionally. You deserve to be happy and loved. Don’t settle for anything less.

Miracles will start happening when you begin to live from the place of abundance. Did you know, there are so many amazing single men who are looking for love right now?

Ukrainian by birth, American at heart, world traveler, who dares to go after her ambitious goals. Empowering women to achieve their dreams

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