They Kicked Me Out…
I was 7 when it happened. Then I was 24 when it repeated itself.
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I was seven when it happened. “Mom, mom, they kicked me out…, I came in the house, ready to explode in tears, hurt and blame, but I was too proud to loose it..
“What happened, honey? Who kicked you out? Tell me..” Mom’s heart was breaking, trying to help me…
But I didn’t want to be weak, so I just said being as cool as I could possibly be… “Well, they didn’t kick me out…The kids on the street just said they were playing a specific game and they had enough people in it already. So, they told me to go home. I am okay, mom. I am just going to play in my room”
With that, I left into my room, shutting the door and suppressing my inner storm… I wasn’t willing to open up and upset my mom. I wanted to deal with it on my own. Besides, I couldn’t see how she could help me..
Now, those kids did kick me out. Literally. They said, they didn’t want to play with me and told me to go home. And I considered them to be my friends… Kids could be cruel.
I was so deeply ashamed and hurt. I felt like a looser!
Life goes on, of course. I grew up and I forgot about that incident.
What I didn’t realise was that I had created a narrative that I wasn’t good enough to fit in. That pattern became so deeply ingrained into my subconscious programming that it was running all my life…
My programming “I am not good enough” was the reason I was attracting men who were either using, taking advantage or abusing me… The worst part was, I wasn’t aware of that damaging pattern that was controlling all my outcomes.
Now, it makes perfect sense: I didn’t love myself to run away from the destructive or dead-end relationships that were sucking my energy. But at the time it was happening, I was completely unconscious of the underlying programming.
It went that bad, that one of my boyfriends actually kicked me out of his house… Because I wanted more from the relationship, I wanted a family and a happily ever after story, while he wasn’t ready for it.
