Is there such a thing as “Happily Ever After”?

How amazing it is to fall in love, when emotions are high, when you get to experience the butterflies in the stomach every time you look at your lover! The electricity of a touch and a kiss is just intoxicating. That emotional high creates the illusion of a fairy tale, and it feels it is going to last forever…

However, the euphoria passes quickly and reality kicks in. When butterflies disappear, it doesn’t mean love is gone. It just takes a different shape and form.

Is there such thing as “happily ever after”? Of course, there is. My parents are a bright example of that. They have been married for 32 years now and have been together for 33 years.

Now, when their children are grown ups, they have a second phase of a honeymoon. They are not travelling to exotic places together enjoying dolce vita, but they definitely enjoy each other more now than ever. The connection is even stronger now, when they don’t have to worry about the kids and the hardships of poverty. They raised great daughters who love and support them in every way they can.

Mom and dad taught my sister and I a vital life lesson that happiness and longevity in relationships takes an intentional approach. Love is not a random chance. It is a choice and an effort.

Problems, challenges and frustrations are inevitable in life and in relationships. And it takes maturity and emotional intelligence to be able to work through them and not walk away. As much as we want to “on cloud nine” experience to last, it passes quickly, and we have a choice to discover the depth and true meaning of love that goes way beyond passion and infatuation.

So, here are the features of a mature, grown-up love.

1. Mutual respect. A healthy emotional climate in family is present when a couple feels safe to express themselves freely. They are not worried about being judged or criticised. Even though there have to be mutual values to create a family, it is important to respect each other differences in views and interests.

2. Mutual appreciation. I believe, one of our primary needs is to be accepted and appreciated the way we are. If you have to pretend to please your partner, there is no love. Love is not about faking and trying to impress. It about being comfortable the way you are in each other’s company. Don’t try to change your partner, even if you think it will be better for him.

3. Mutual compromises. Conflicts and arguments are inevitable, so it is especially crucial to have compassion to each other. Whenever there is a misunderstanding or a conflict, ask your self, “Do I want to be right or loved?” Be willing to evaluate the situation from your partner’s perspective. There are always different angles to any situation. Be flexible in your approach. One of the greatest quotes by Wayne Dyer is “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change”

4. Mutual support. We all have our down moments, and it is absolutely crucial to have a loving partner you can rely on whether you need advice or encouragement. Support could also mean giving the space to be alone and clear your head, but you know your partner is always there for you, when you need them

5. Having maturity. Here comes your emotional intelligence. It is so crucial not to make serious decisions when you are upset about your partner, or when you are having a wobble. You can say or do some hurtful things that can create a severe damage to a relationship. And you will regret later. Practice more patience. It is a great virtue. “Between a stimulus and a response, there is a space. And in that space, is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” Victor Frankl

6. Adding value. When you have a mindset “how can I add value to my partner”, you will never have serious problems in a relationship. When it comes to love, it is about giving. The more you give, the more you will receive. But never have expectations, aka, “I will do this for you, if you do that for me” Love is not a transaction. Whether it is buying presents, making a special meal, planning a surprise weekend getaway, or expressing how much you love and appreciate your partner, you need to add value to each. That’s what will keep your love fire burning.

7. Having open conversations. There is nothing worse than having unresolved arguments. They create further misunderstandings and a wall of separation. Suppressing negative emotions, pretending everything is fine, and trying to forget an argument could be very dangerous. Bottling emotions up will usually create the explosion in the most inconvenient time, causing a dreadful harm. Love is about having open conversations and expressing each other’s feelings freely. I don’t mean, screaming, shouting and blaming your partner — that adds more fuel to the fire of destruction. However, working through the hurt feelings in a caring and compassionate way is absolutely crucial to restore intimacy. You need to be able to open up in front of your partner and express your feelings and emotions and work through them. Do not be afraid to say what you like and what you don’t like.

These are the building blocks that build a beautiful and long-lasting castle of love. Mature love requires mutual effort and mutual growth.

Even when you are not in a relationship now, it is always good to begin with the end in mind. If you wish to bring a “happily ever after” story to your life, you need to take an intentional approach.