I used to be attracted to players. You know those flashy, charismatic guys, who come on strong and make you fall in love with them almost instantly…
To be honest, at times I even felt proud of myself to be able to attract the attention of such popular guys. Every other girl liked them, right? But they would pick me. I must be special.
By the way, a little disclaimer, those were the times when I was in my late teens and early twenties (if you might think, it is a typical behaviour of young girls, it is not)
I used to like the way they talked: they were sweet talkers and they made me feel so special. And every time, it felt almost too good to be true.
And you know what, when it feels too good to be true, it usually is too good to be true. Our intuition never fails you. But we don’t always listen to it.
Usually, it would end very quickly: the guy usually would just disappear without explanation. Or we would start dating but I wouldn’t be happy and fulfilled. The guy would not be committed and really interested in building a significant relationship with me.
I would end up questioning and doubting myself. What was wrong with me? Why he doesn’t want to commit? My insecurities would just get reinforced and my self-confidence would be gone…
You see, I was desperate for attention and I was seeking love but all I was getting was just players who were putting their needs and priorities first without strings attached.
Those guys were not interested in building relationships or getting emotionally attached. Although they are known as bad guys or jerks, it doesn’t make them bad people. They are just not ready for anything serious in relationships. They just want to play. Hence, the name — players.. .There is nothing wrong with that..
What is wrong in this scenario is the fact that girls allow such bad treatment — to be used.
Women’s behaviour is quite interesting sometimes: we will never come back to a nail salon that messed up our manicure, but we keep coming back to guys who screwed us many times..
No-one can hurt us unless we allow it.
I was attracted to those “bad” guys because my self-esteem was low, I had many insecurities and my self-image was quite poor. I wasn’t sure if I was good and worthy enough. So every time, I heard a compliment from an attractive guy, telling me how pretty and awesome I was, I felt good. My inner voids were temporarily filled.
However, those were temporary fixes, but my fundamental issues of inadequacy and worthlessness were still there.
And I was falling for a guy, his confidence and charisma, being completely unaware that he used the same tactic to other girls. Just because he would make me feel significant didn’t mean I was his significant other.
I was oblivious to the obvious: my belief “I wasn’t good enough” would attract those guys..
Even though, if someone were to confront me and ask me: “Why do you think you are not good enough” I would say, “I don’t think that about myself…”
But as Emerson once said, “Who you are speaks so loudly I can’t hear what you are saying..”
Actions speak louder than words, you know..
My actions were: I was falling for players who didn’t love or respect me. They were just having fun..
Believing you are good enough shows up in a way that you are not willing to tolerate a disrespectful behaviour towards you. You truly believe you are good enough for just games. And you are willing to set your boundaries higher…
What happens as a result: when you openly express your needs and desires and make absolutely clear that you are not willing to put up with games, a guy either moves on or he changes his attitude to you and starts treating you better. Because, all over sudden he gets curious about you. He sees you as a woman of dignity and high value.
Here is an important thing: don’t be attached to the outcome, when you are having a direct conversation with a guy. Be prepared to let him go without feeling emotionally demolished. Believe me, he wasn’t worthy of your time, energy and love anyways if he is not willing to commit to you
It takes personal growth and really going within to identify and eliminate those limitations that keep telling you “you are not good enough”, but the result is so worthy of the efforts. You will completely change your self-image and your makeover. As a result, you will stop attracting those players, simply because you will be too good for them and their cheesy games. You will start attracting high quality men who would be genuinely interested in you and building something special together.
Another, very important fact I discovered is that if you think you might change man, it is a proven path to disaster and painful ending…
For some reason, many women (including me before) mistakenly believe they can change a man’s behaviour and his attitude to them. If only I can prove him I am the one he’s been looking for his entire life…
You cannot influence or change someone else’s behaviour, no matter what you do, and how beautiful, gorgeous and charismatic you might be.
If a man isn’t ready to settle, he won’t. So, don’t take it personally. Don’t try to make him fall in love with you. For some reason, he is not ready yet.
Falling in love is a natural process. It can’t be forced. It should just happen in an easy and natural way. That’s when you know it is true and genuine.
If you are trying to change a guy, it is like trying to push the water uphill. It just won’t work. You will end up exhausting yourself and getting hurt..
You should never attempt to change a man. That only creates resistance. You either accept him and love him if he is willing to love you back, or you let him go and look for someone else who you can accept and love unconditionally.
Life is usually very simple. We, women, like complicating it.
So, don’t fall for players. Unless you are up for a game yourself. You can’t build a loving relationship with a guy who isn’t willing to settle.
And you shouldn’t settle for less. You can have more! You were created to experience joy, happiness and love.